Guys. I need some advice...:/ I've been agonising over this problem I have and I think I need some help. :(

(I am so sorry this is so long. :( )

There's this guy in my school. He used to have a crush on me since fifth grade and when we were in ninth grade, we started talking on messages (our school was split into girl's and boy's branches, so we could only talk online). Like, a lot. All the time, and stuff. I definitely liked him, how could I not? The thing about him is that he's really different from me. He's alot more outgoing that I am, even though we're both introverts. We kind of have the same taste in books and movies but not really. But we're also really similar. We're both sort of, like, other-person-centered. Like in a conversation with someone, we'd concentrate on them and what they're saying and feeling and not talk about ourselves much but with each other, it's like a break from that and we can concentrate on ourselves and talk about ourselves too. Wow, and yeah, I feel like I act differently with everyone, I mean that's natural, everyone does that. Like when I'm with one friend, I'm one way, and with another I'm another way, like if one friend is extroverted and exuberant, I'm pretty introverted and calm and kind of the sensible one. And then with my other friend who's really really introverted and shy and logical, I'm the extroverted, exuberant, crazy one. And I'm not faking or anything. I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. I think it's like different sides of me come out when I'm with each friend and that's okay. But with him, it's like all of the sides of my personality are there, like my whole self, not just some of the parts. It's all of me. And I really loved that. And-well, there are a gazillion reasons why I like him, but I can't write all of those down here right now, so...

Okay, right, so we became best friends, and I convinced myself , no, I drilled it into my head that I didn't like him like that. That I liked him as my friend, and that I didn't have any romantic feelings for him, even though deep down I think I knew that I liked him. And I also convinced myself that he didn't like me either.

But then, one day in grade 11, my best friend told me that a few years back, he had confided in her that he liked me. And at that moment, it was like I couldn't keep denying the fact that he liked me, anymore. And because I had so manipulated my own emotions into believing that I didn't like him, I was like 'I've led him on like a horrible asshole. I don't like him, but I've been acting in a way that has been encouraging him.' And I felt so bad and horrible, that I though that 'enough, I have to stop this.' So I slowly reduced our communications, I acted distant and unlike myself and now that I read our messages at the time, I'm amazed how much he tried to talk to me and tried to keep our friendship going. Anyone else would have been so hurt and angry, they would have just...

Hi friends,

I'm not in the same age bracket -- in fact decades apart. It's sort of hard for me to remember being there. However, I think I can give you the perspective of what I've learned over the years.

First of all, I commend you for having so much self-awareness. What you said about showing the different sides of yourself is very true for all of us, and you described it so eloquently.

My biggest advice: DON'T beat yourself up! We all make these sort of mistakes. What's done is done. Ruminating about "woulda, coulda, shoulda" does nothing except make you feel crummy about yourself. And give you an ulcer.

You were also working with a limited amount of knowledge. He didn't tell you directly, and your friend didn't tell you till later. If you'd had all the facts, you might have behaved differently. Again...don't beat yourself up. (I'm going to sound like a broken record, but this is very important.)

Manipulating our emotions can also be called "coping". You did the best you could with the limited knowledge you had at the time. You'll get better at this, being able to see more. You're already well on the way. You don't have experience until...well, you have experience. All this is new to you.

Re: your concern about "Anyone else would have been so hurt and angry...". I understand that you feel bad about this. You are sensitive to what his feelings are, and that's commendable. But please remember HE is responsible for his own feelings and actions. Just as you are.

So what to do now? Before you take any direct action with him, I think it's important to first bolster your self-esteem and take care of you. No one has died. It's not an emergency (though it probably feels like it is). You can take your time. Even if it feels URGENT, trust me it isn't.

Okay... what to do? What can you do to take you out of this intense focus? Physical activity of any kind helps clear the mind, even just walking.

What do you enjoy? Do it! Do you like art? Then do a little every day. Writing helps... and you're doing it! Get it all out! Don't censure yourself. Just write and write. Once you do, you'll start to see things from a different perspective. One that is more removed from all the tangled-up emotions that you have now.

If you know how to meditate, do it. If you don't, then you might want to learn. Or yoga. Or start taking nice baths. Anything to calm the mind.

At this time I'd recommend that you think of yourself as a little child. What would a good parent do to help them feel better? Pamper yourself a little.

And lastly, don't beat yourself up! You're human. :-)

I hope this helps.
revlow

PS...

When you are ready -- and only when you are ready -- you can always make amends, if you think the situation warrants if. What I consider "ready" is way down the road. When you've completely gotten past feeling "bad and horrible". When you first have compassion for yourself. Again you did the best you could given the circumstances. Forgive yourself first.

Making amends means you don't expect anything in return. He may forgive you, he may not. I'm betting he will, but that makes no matter. If you do make amends, you are doing it for yourself.

Looking back on my last post, I'm not certain I should have used the word "mistake". Everyone played a part in this.

My thoughts for the moment.

LOL! I'm on a roll. :-D

Just starting to communicate with one another may be enough. I imagine he feels sorry, too. But FIRST get some perspective and confidence, so you can approach this calmly. Feeling bad about yourself and coming at it while feeling highly emotional won't help.

I can tell you are a super person. Extremely smart and thoughtful. I'm sure anyone else here can see it too.

Lee Min Ho is overrated.

I have a Q: I keep reading about Korean cable channels versus regular broadcast channels. Could someone please give me a list of what's what? Thanks in advance for your help.

PS -- I apologize for my long-winded, off-topic answer to friends above.

Thank you! Appreciate the info. If it's KBS2, is that still reg? Or is it their cable branch? (Like how some American companies do.)